There are 26 entries in this category.
- Text crime #6
2
Posted on 28 June
I bought a huge plasma screen TV today in the pub for fifty quid. The volume button doesn’t work but at that price I couldn’t turn it down. - Text crime #5 0
Posted on 18 March
It was the happiest day of my life. I looked up at the clear blue sky and bright sunshine. I opened the door, walked in and glanced around at the congregation. I walked up the aisle, to the altar and kissed her softly on the cheek. Then I gently closed the lid. - Text crime #4 3
Posted on 8 March
Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape. - Text crime #3 2
Posted on 19 January
I’m in hospital but don’t worry: I’m fine. I got food poisoning from eating what I thought was an onion but which turned out to be a daffodil bulb. The doctors say I should be out in the spring. - Text crime #2 0
Posted on 28 October ‘07
Friendship is like wetting yourself: everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth. Thanks for being the piss in my pants! - Text crime #1 0
Posted on 10 September ‘07
I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread, but when I looked closer I realised it said “Thick Cut”. - A touching elephant story 4
Posted on 16 May ‘07
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. - Big circle, little circle 7
Posted on 14 July ‘06
Three men go for a job interview at a drug rehabilitation centre. The bloke conducting the interview hands them each a piece of paper with two circles drawn on it, one big and one small. - Zen sarcasm 6
Posted on 12 July ‘06
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me. In fact, Just leave me the hell alone. - “Ken hits the buffers” 7
Posted on 17 February ‘06
I’m not at all political, but this made me smile. - Newspaper stories with an amusing twist 5
Posted on 11 December ‘05
I have no idea about the validity of these stories, but they made me smile. - Excerpts from the Edinburgh Fringe 4
Posted on 7 December ‘05
A bit of comedy to cheer myself up. - “I need a reliable person!” 3
Posted on 29 November ‘05
This just landed in my inbox. Of course I’ve immediately replied with my name, address, bank details and shoe size. - Think you’re having a bad day? 4
Posted on 16 November ‘05
This is quite old, but I love it. This (apparently) is a bricklayer’s accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation Board. - Lightening the “burden” 14
Posted on 20 October ‘05
I smiled somewhat after reading Lady Bracknell’s guest blogger entry on the Ouch! blog, and also had a giggle at the editor’s note at the end. - Spooky story 15
Posted on 18 October ‘05
Last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise … - “Hello. I stole your iPod.” 1
Posted on 26 August ‘05
I don’t normally mirror news stories on this site but this one brought such a smile to my face that I had to share it with you. - Star Trek vs. Roadrunner 1
Posted on 13 June ‘05
Captain’s Log, stardate 54324.5: Starfleet Command has directed the Enterprise to do a preliminary exploration of planet in advance of a full research team. Scanners report the atmosphere to be breathable, but are receiving confusing readings with regard to life forms. I am beaming down with a landing party composed of all our chief officers except for poor Scotty. - Metaphors and similies 5
Posted on 18 May ‘05
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. - Weebls Stuff 3
Posted on 11 April ‘05
I’ve been a fan of Weebls Stuff ever since I saw the now world famous Badger Badger Badger. They’ve produced loads of cartoons almost all of which can be safely filed under “bizarre”. - Real life vs. internet 1
Posted on 11 April ‘05
You’ve probably all seen this before, but it makes me laugh so hard I wanted to include it anyway. - New words for 2005 Work Place Vocabulary 0
Posted on 15 February ‘05
TESTICULATING: Waving your arms around and talking bollocks. - Aeroplane maintenance 0
Posted on 8 January ‘05
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. QANTAS is the only major airline that has never had an accident. Pilot’s comment: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement. Mechanic’s comment: Almost replaced left inside main tyre. - Welcome to Australia! 0
Posted on 7 January ‘05
Surely, after 20 days of trial by fire, the Australians must now realise that God never really intended this enormous tinderbox to be used for human habitation. Plainly it has created as a giant dustbin, a place far from civilisation where all His failed experiments could be left to their own terrifying devices. - How high is a skyscraper? 1
Posted on 6 January ‘05
The following question appeared in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen: “Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer.” One enterprising student replied: “You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building.” - Drinker’s Troubleshooting Guide 1
Posted on 5 January ‘05
Symptom: Feet cold and wet. Cause: Glass being held at incorrect angle. Action: Rotate glass so open end points toward ceiling.