Found 13 entries tagged with “joke”
- Text crime #6
2
Posted 28 June ‘08
I bought a huge plasma screen TV today in the pub for fifty quid. The volume button doesn’t work but at that price I couldn’t turn it down. - Text crime #5 0
Posted 18 March ‘08
It was the happiest day of my life. I looked up at the clear blue sky and bright sunshine. I opened the door, walked in and glanced around at the congregation. I walked up the aisle, to the altar and kissed her softly on the cheek. Then I gently closed the lid. - Text crime #4 3
Posted 8 March ‘08
Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape. - Text crime #3 2
Posted 19 January ‘08
I’m in hospital but don’t worry: I’m fine. I got food poisoning from eating what I thought was an onion but which turned out to be a daffodil bulb. The doctors say I should be out in the spring. - Text crime #2 0
Posted 28 October ‘07
Friendship is like wetting yourself: everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth. Thanks for being the piss in my pants! - Text crime #1 0
Posted 10 September ‘07
I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread, but when I looked closer I realised it said “Thick Cut”. - A touching elephant story 4
Posted 16 May ‘07
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. - Big circle, little circle 7
Posted 14 July ‘06
Three men go for a job interview at a drug rehabilitation centre. The bloke conducting the interview hands them each a piece of paper with two circles drawn on it, one big and one small. - Zen sarcasm 6
Posted 12 July ‘06
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me. In fact, Just leave me the hell alone. - Spooky story 15
Posted 18 October ‘05
Last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise … - Aeroplane maintenance 0
Posted 8 January ‘05
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. QANTAS is the only major airline that has never had an accident. Pilot’s comment: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement. Mechanic’s comment: Almost replaced left inside main tyre. - How high is a skyscraper? 1
Posted 6 January ‘05
The following question appeared in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen: “Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer.” One enterprising student replied: “You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building.” - Drinker’s Troubleshooting Guide 1
Posted 5 January ‘05
Symptom: Feet cold and wet. Cause: Glass being held at incorrect angle. Action: Rotate glass so open end points toward ceiling.